I have been putting off writing this, not out of fear or anxiety about moving, just because the reality of leaving this city that has encircled my youth, my friends, my pains, and my loves has not really set in yet. I sit at my old work window staring out on the constant red building of east Harlem. Never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would have spent six heartfelt, painfully long, yet surprisingly quick years in this city. And now, as I prepare to leave this place I have called home, I can reflect on the past six years of my youth and what brought me here, but also on the next stage of my life and what is next to come.

I never really had a fascination with New York as a child. I remember reading Superfudge, my first encounter with the stories of children growing up in NY, and wondering why there were so many restaurants located around where Fudge and his brother lived. I also remember going to see Home Alone 2 in the theaters, fascinated by the huge FAO Shrawtz and wondering if they had all the same stuff that Scottsdale's Fashion Square Mall had. Surely they didn't have the giant talking tree, I kept thinking, settling in on the idea that I was born and raised Arizona and that is what I would be.

When college started approaching and I was forced to consider the nagging question of "what IS it that I want to do with my life?" my thoughts for the first time started to lead me out of my desert of a home and on to ideas of bigger, possibly better, things. Of course I was scared to leave, I was only 17! Yet something in me kept itching at me telling me that this is just what I HAD to do. And I did, despite the warnings, the scares, and the doubts, I packed up my stuff into 3 big bags and left. I didn't even give Arizona a decent goodbye.

Now I have become accustomed to the long subway rides home, checking for homeless people before entering a subway car, not keeping my cell phone in my back pocket, staring at the ground or the sky, but not in the eyes of others, always bringing an umbrella in case it rains, and rarely waiting for the actual walk sign to appear before crossing the street.

But those are the bads. I have also gotten accustomed to the fulfillment of trying almost any ethnic food at any hour of the night, hearing up to 6 languages or more on the average street block while walking, the ability to see some of America's greatest and oldest achievements at my fingertips, NY summers and also the footprints my "space boots" make in the snow. When they say that NYC is the best city in the world, they are not lying. Despite its 8 million people, the dirtiness, or the subway rats...there is something about NY that makes us NY'ers proud...the only inhabitants of a city that will proudly correct our origins and say "I am a New Yorker".

I have watched as NYC faced its greatest challenges, not only with September 11th but also with the city blackout. My tears cried not only for the families that lost loved ones on those days, but also for my city...the city I loved, as every NYer can hold hands and bond with that. Despite our racial, political, or religious differences, NYers are proud to be NYers..proud of their city...and will stand up and declare this as their home (away from home) forever. I think I will settle with being a New Yorker who doesnt live in New York for now.

And that's why I am having so much trouble letting go of living in New York. I'd built up my own sense of obligation to the city, as if I'm failing the city by leaving. But what Ive come to realize is that New York City doesn't need my help. You don't need to help someone back onto their feet if they were always standing. And the city isn't going anywhere.

That's the part I struggle with but in the end I'll be glad to see how the city's evolved in my absence, and that I've already had a wealth of experiences that would last me a lifetime even if I could never return. I wonder if I will again look in awe up at the Empire State Building or puzzle the advertisements on the subway. Or will I fall right back into the habit of taking it all for granted. I wonder how it will feel to not see the things I see everyday. This is closing a chapter, certainly, but not closing a book, and in the meantime I have what I've had. Ive volunteered at a NYC pound and seen the ugliness and yet beauty that comes with that. I have walked numerous parades, from Greek to Macy's Day. I have watched the lights turn on, one by one, on the World Trade Center as the sun goes down. I have raced friends down cobblestone streets, fished in the east river (yuck), seen a few celebrities trying their hardest to blend in, and have offered my help to numerous mothers trying to carry a stroller up the stairs of the subway. I have sat down, in the middle of a NYC street, and let the snow fall in my mouth. I have taken buses from east to west, cabs over bridges, and trains everywhere else. I have seen the fireworks over the statue of liberty on July 4th. I have tried almost every type of food, and learned more about the cultures of my mixture of friends than I would have ever dreamed. I have stayed at home a hundred Saturday nights, knowing that there were tons of people having the time of their life out on the town, and didn't regret it for a minute.

So that leaves me to now. As I prepare to leave NY, knowing that now it is time for me to go and move on with something else, I will give this city the decent goodbye it deserves. I have learned, laughed, and loved so much with this city and I thank NY for making me the person I am today. So for now, it's California. There's no shortage of mythology about the American West, about people traveling to California to seek opportunity or riches. I hope I'll partake in that, though I'm certain I'll be less taken in by the romance of it than I am by the romance of New York City. That's a fair trade, though. The first city I ever loved can get by without me for a while, and I can certainly do with less fawning over my place of residence and more nuts-and-bolts living of life. Afterall, what a feeling it will be to roll the windows down in my car and feel the warm air off the pacific ocean on my face. But my obligation to New York won't ever go away, I'll just honor it differently now, and in the meantime I have some quieter but even more important obligations to fulfill.

See you soon, New York.